Working through the Reality

A quick update on my condition:
I have undergone 4 rounds of chemo as of now. Ct scans revealed growth in my lungs undeterred by treatment and slower shrinkage in my abdomen than the drs liked so I was referred to a specialist at UCLA that has suggested we undergo a different treatment with an immune drug following the 5th round of chemo which is scheduled for the 31st of August through the 2nd of September. On day 3 of chemo this last week I began radiation on my right lung daily, 4 sessions remain. I’ve had a cough for about 2 months now, causing bruising in my ribs – making me weak and walking and exercise difficult.

I want to begin with gratitude. I have been so blessed with support in so many forms. From text messages, Facebook messages, letters and special packages with meaningful and beautiful little things – neighbors bringing groceries and hanging teal and gold ribbons on their doors in support of Jordan and I… I have to apologize, I don’t think that each of you that have reached out have been appropriately thanked for your generosity of spirit. I don’t know quite how to explain it, my personality has reached such lows in this process, there are days that I don’t have the mental energy to even look at my phone, I just leave it somewhere and cut off communication from the outside world. I want to be gracious and I want all to know that your prayers and thoughts and tangible expressions of support are so appreciated. I never realized what a mental disease cancer could be or the strenuous work it would take some days just to maintain mental and spiritual stability. I don’t want to share this to make anyone feel sorry for me or to make excuses for my rudeness, I just want to be honest about the process that I am going through because one of the only things that has given me comfort in this process is hearing that someone else has been where I am. Maybe someone reading this needs to hear that they are not the only ones struggling for emotional as well as physical healing.

My dear cousin sent me a quote from a devotional that has been helpful to me:

“Trust Me and don’t be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting Me and singing My song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you need to be vigilant and guarding your thoughts. DO NOT DESPISE THIS WEAKNESS IN YOURSELF, SINCE I AM USING IT TO DRAW YOU CLOSE TO ME. YOUR CONSTANT NEED FOR ME CREATES AN INTIMACY THAT IS WELL WORTH THE EFFORT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THE STRUGGLE FOR YOUR MIND. My Spirit living within you us ever ready to help in this striving. Ask Him to control your mind; He will bless you with life and peace.”

The struggle for the mind, the great controversy, has obviously been present in every human since our creation. I have felt temptation; I have had the knowledge of right from wrong and struggled with decisions of self-comfort vs self growth in my life. But the struggle for maintenance of mental hygiene is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. At the beginning of this journey I spoke life ad faith so freely. I spoke about my willing heart and God’s role in my healing. Maintaining that positive thought process has proven to be nearly impossible for me. I recognize God’s role, I know He is there, ultimately I am still willing but I also feel like a child throwing a fit. Daily I feel like a stubborn child unwilling to go any further until I get what I want. I mentally refuse to endure any more physical discomfort. I refuse to face another day marinating in the knowledge that my body has been overcome by a disease that wants to eat me alive. Coping. I am struggling with coping with reality. Ultimately I know that God is in control, ultimately I have accepted all possible outcomes of this disease. I am in God’s hands, but suffering and uncertainty are still present and wreaking havoc on my quality of life.

I have read inspirational stories, even heard from some generous souls directly who have reached out to encourage me. I know that positive thinking is linked to health. What do you do when you can’t seem to rise above the sadness of your situation and live vivaciously despite your suffering? Does it take a hardier personality than I have? I know that I am not perfect and that there are still depths of my soul that God needs to cleanse and make new. But so much prayer and meditation has gone into my mental and spiritual fortitude on my part and literally hundreds standing in the gap for me – why can’t I shake the gut wrenching angst the boils in me several times a day or the blasé temperament that follows me the rest of the day? I feel like my personality and identity has been completely dissipated.

This was a very brutally honest, maybe too honest (for that I apologize) view into my journey. I just feel that I don’t need to mislead anyone, especially if they are going through a similar situation. I don’t want to discourage anyone by making them feel that their inability overcome the mental fatigue means there’s something wrong with them. I also don’t want to be put on a pedestal; I don’t want to be thought of as strong or brave. I am a child of God and in His arms I reserve the right to recognize my complete weakness, confusion and brokenness. A wise and Godly woman in my life told me that the healing of the body is nothing to God, too easy, He formed us from dust- He knows every cell and organ and how to fix it. BUT the heart and soul, that is a difficult healing because it relies on our total surrender and free choice. God has some deep cleansing for me, to prepare me to be able to live in a perfect place for eternity and witness to the rest of the universe what He did for us here on earth. I would rather endure this experience and be in heaven than live lukewarm the rest of my life and be surprised on that day to be unknown to the God of the universe.

I hope I did not bring anyone down with this. God is instilling in me perseverance and trust in Him and I believe that the growing pains of the soul can be excruciating when you are honestly seeking an authentic relationship with Him. Sometimes He can only reach you when you realize you can do nothing else but trust Him. Paul had to be stricken blind to begin his ministry. Paul was beaten and jailed numerous times and had to deal with the politics and growing pains of all the new churches. Paul tells us “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”

This race has been marked for me, God is working on my perseverance, and I truly believe that if He allows me to enjoy more life after this He has a purpose for which I would not have been fit without this experience. If I am meant to be alive for such a time as this and my life is shorter than I had anticipated I will search for His will and what I can do for Him now and know that if I fall, I fall into His arms and the next face I see will be Jesus’.

Here is a song of encouragement that touched me today: I am Not Alone – Kari Jobe

Treatment Testimony

I’ve wanted to be more consistent with this blog, I promise that was the intent. Keeping the people I love and who are so graciously and continuously lifting me to Jesus informed on the progress of my treatment seems the least I can do but alas, if I may be honest with you dear ones, most days I find myself fatigued, uncomfortable and uninspired. I will try to recall what has happened so far, forgive me if you are a part of the timeline and you are misrepresented or even omitted. My cup runneth over, and so does my brain shelf.

Daisy continues to be a ray of sunshine and constant source of pure joy in my life. I thank the Lord every day for giving her to me, what an amazing thing that He would give me a child mere months before I would become barren. I used to worry that this was the worst timing financially, and me without my career in place and now I see once again God’s timing is perfect. Not only did she come at the right time but I have been so blessed to have the strong women in my life care for her as their own as I cannot give her full care right now. She is already serving Jesus by being kind and offering smiles to whoever would look her way. She especially loves her Daddy and watches him like a tiny hawk with smiles ready if he happens to look her way. She’s beginning to be offered little tastes of things and a new range of facial expressions are enjoyed by all. I could not be more proud of my tiny flower.

Now about this cancer…

My first round of chemo was probably my most difficult. I was still recovering from surgery and dealing with the emotions of the whole situation. I was struggling with pain control and mind control from being on so many pain meds. The second round was significantly easier physically although emotionally I was still having trouble coping. I remember just sitting through the whole session and crying, I wasn’t sure why – I knew I had plenty of reasons- but the emotion was almost more visceral than it was mental. I was so blessed to have my mother and my husband by my side, praying for peace and praying for stability. I wish I could say that was an isolated incident but honestly the outpouring of emotion and the struggle with anxiety has been one of the most difficult parts of this process. Then follows guilt for the emotions of anxiety and self -pity as I am so infinitely blessed. Bottom line is that I believe in God, I believe that He created me for a purpose and whether I have fulfilled that purpose and He is ready to lay me to rest or He’s ready to get rid of this cancer and launch me into service – God can heal me. A dear soul reminded me this last week that God looks at the situation like this: healing a body is nothing to Him, He created this body and He’s got a count on the hairs on my head (or empty follicle as it were) but what is a challenge is changing my heart. He has given me the gift of free will and He now must battle to soften my heart and prepare me for a life in heaven forever. So in the throws of physical pain, when it doesn’t feel like I’m learning to persevere but rather experiencing fits of discontent “I don’t want this to be happening” “I’m ready for this to end now” “I believe God can heal me, but how do I act as I hold on and wait?” I try to remember; He’s not done with me yet on the inside.

Through the grape vine (Dan Luce) you may have already heard that today I began my third session of chemo. Today was day one of a three day outpatient session at city of hope, I saw the Dr – make that the Dr and 2 nurse practitioners (God’s pulling out all the stops)- my chief complaints were a chronic cough that has been with me about 3 weeks now, keeping me up late and causing extreme tension pain and even bruised ribs; jaw and tooth pain; insomnia and a growth on my mid-back next to my spine. The Dr, along with one of his colleagues and a few radiologists all reviewed my chest x ray and found nothing to write home about (PTL) then suggested a long acting morphine and Aleve to alleviate the cough and tension – after trying everything from hydrotherapy to tessalon perles to cough syrup with codeine (no thank you) to cough drops [so far] this seems to be working! The growth on my back that my normal oncologist wrote off as a tumor was also collectively thought to be a benign cyst (no way of knowing now but relieved for that second opinion). After arriving home from chemo today I did experience a significant amount of pain but I can gratefully report that I am much more comfortable now.

Here’s where we stand moving forward. Tomorrow I will begin the second round of the 3 session of chemo, 3 is halfway to 6 and hopefully halfway to the end. There are ct scans that have been ordered to reassess or stage the cancer, these are being held up by insurance red tape and miscommunications. I may need to be admitted to city of hope tomorrow night in order to get the scans done in a timely matter.

I continue to draw strength from my steadfast, positive husband; I gain peace from my sweet grandma and her loving prayers filled with strength and wisdom; and the amazing strength and support from my parents and parents-in-law. Not to mention the constant support I get on Facebook and in the mail. It’s actually just hitting me now… when I’ve wondered where God’s strength is in my weakness – IT’S IN ALL OF YOU!!!! The way my family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers have risen to the occasion and interceded on my behalf then turned to encourage me has been on of the most intricately and overwhelmingly profound experiences of my life. THANK YOU LORD AND THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO BE USED.

I have asked God to cleanse my heart and my mind – I rebuke my sin and look to move forward in faith that I can be more like Jesus. I have told God that no matter what the scans say I will keep moving forward and I will keep serving Him in whatever capacity possible. I have pleaded for Him to give me both opportunity and strength to serve. At this time the extent of that is prayer for individuals in my life as many as I can at a time. If you’re reading this, especially if you have reached out to me personally, chances are you are being prayed for and if your not I’m coming for you. I have also begun prayer for my neighbor Jordan, a beautiful young woman who has now stepped into the arena, I am attempting to help as I am familiar with the landscape but humbly must say I have no wisdom yet to reveal. She continues to be in good spirits and puts her faith in the Lord, she also has the prayers and strength of her mother. We hope to continue to encourage each other through this hard time.

Forgive my lack of structure and eloquence, this has been an outpouring of my heart at a time with my mind may not be its sharpest.

What am I doing at home to help in my treatment:

Hydrotherapy -hot compress and contrast showers mostly

Daily juicing- mostly carrot

Massage

Essential oils

Walking

Alkaline water

Goals:

Continued study and prayer

An even cleaner and balanced diet

coffee enemas (yeah I said it)

hydrotherapy -weekly lemon wraps

Song for the Blog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gjXBMC8-oM

Daisy to Diagnosis

January 30, 2015 I am sitting on a large lime green exercise ball eating the most disgusting order-in pizza available and attempting to work through a contraction. It’s been 3 days since I’ve slept and although both Ryan and I are in denial that I am in labor, my mom has hopped on a plane and we are now in the final stages of decision making – hospital tonight? Or tough it out a 4th day?

When we reached the hospital and were given a good report on the baby’s a my vitals and it appeared as though we could be headed home again to labor, I was only dilated to 3 and the situation posed no risk. We ended up staying however and I labored through the night but did not progress. My mother and Ryan battled with me through the night, their strength fueling me and we were soon joined by Ryan’s mother-my support system was in place. As the hours passed my natural birth plan that a good friend jokingly labeled “very crunchy” was slowly pealed away and more measures to ensure a timely and safe birth were being made.  The culmination of these efforts would be a c section birth without complication.

At 7:30 pm January 31, 2015 Daisy Jo Wilson was lifted and displayed to a room full of scrubbed in medical professionals and her speechless father. She spread her arms and legs and expanded her lungs to let the world know she had arrived. I waited for her tiny face to be placed next to mine for the first time and watched as Ryan, beside himself, followed her around the room as the cord was cut and she was checked out. I’ll never forget the exhilaration, she was finally here! All those months of waiting, watching my body change and marveling at the fact that a tiny person would, by God’s grace, join Ryan and I and further complete our family.

Over the next few months Daisy would be visited by her loving family and Ryan and I would be overwhelmed by the support and love that comes with such a life event. While Ryan begrudgingly went back to work I fussed over the tiny creature as if she were a little bubble floating on the breeze. I laid awake at night checking for her tiny chest to rise and fall, I took her temperature every time she sneezed and I fed her every time she even began to fuss. It was the honor of my life to give her my full attention, if I was going to be a shut in at least I had my Daisy!

As we began to venture out, and I began to regain strength and some sense of normalcy, life became even more exciting. Ryan began dreaming up trips for the 3 of us and I began gaining interest in the fitness competitions some of my fit friends were posting about on Facebook. It seemed that a new chapter of our lives, although challenging, was becoming more and more manageable each day.

At my 6 week appointment my dr said everything looked great and cleared me for higher levels of activity and lifting. She also performed a pelvic exam and a pap smear. When I received a phone call that the pap smear had come back irregular a week later I was only slightly alarmed, I remember the woman on the phone saying, “It doesn’t mean you have cancer but we do need to schedule follow up tests to further investigate the uterine lining” . I called Ryan and we did some online research and found that most women have irregular pap smears at their 6 week post partum appointments so I thought nothing of it. I remember thinking that the woman at the other end of the phone shouldn’t have even mentioned cancer, maybe they need to have someone else doing their pap smear results calls. Unfortunately the results were a telling sign of what was to come, but I wouldn’t make it to that follow up appointment to test the uterine lining… 3 weeks later after pain building in my abdomen to the point I could not stand up straight or lift Daisy in her carseat, I went to the emergency room. A CT Scan of my abdomen showed a 10mm cyst on my left ovary. I immediately reported the findings to my OB, I had been trying to get into the dr to address the pain for weeks and was continually being told to wait until I could be seen for test results. This time I was not taking no for an answer and when they were reluctant to get me in I even had the RN in the ER call them to assure I could get an appointment. The next day my mother-in-law had flown down and drove me to see the dr on call and I was scheduled for emergency surgery. During surgery they found that the cyst had cut off blood supply to the ovary, causing tissue death. The The cyst was removed and the left ovary and fallopian tube along with it. The surgery was completed without complication but the surgeons did not like the looks of the cyst or surrounding fluid and had sent the specimen for pathological testing.

I returned home to recuperate and my grandmother came down to care for Daisy. During this time one of the heaviest difficulties had to be relinquishing the care of my baby to another person. I am so grateful for Resa, my mom and my grandmother. If it weren’t for them and the fact that I knew my Daisy was being loved and cared for so completely I couldn’t have mentally made it through this time.

As I struggled to manage pain at home after the surgery we waited for the pathology results of the cyst. I honestly did not consider cancer to be a possibility. I assumed this was simply an ovarian cyst that had grown too large due to the post part hormones. But as I lay yet again on an ER cot a week later struggling to control pain Ryan relays the results of the initial report. It is in fact cancer.

From there we return to White Memorial hospital for the staging surgery. I was blessed with a surgeon who humbly listened and considered my situation and instead of performing a “T” incision took 7 hours to thoroughly stage the cancer laparoscopically. Cancerous growth was found in several places throughout my abdomen. I actually couldn’t tell you with certainty the exact locations as each dr and nurse seemed to offer partial pieces of information and I continued to be heavily medicated. I do know there were growths on the exterior of the uterus, bladder, colon, diaphragm and lymph nodes. Within a week, back in for pain management I would have another 10mm growth in my uterus, growth on my liver and in my lungs. The current diagnosis in small cell neuroendocrine tumor Stage 3c and as you may have gathered is an aggressive form of ovarian cancer.

The diagnosis shocked me, the pain struck me down, but what has overwhelmed my spirit and changed my life has been the support that my family and I have been given. My mother-in-law has literally hopped on a plane the day we have called in need and stayed to care for our Daisy on several occasions. San Gabriel academy faculty, staff and students have sent notes, visited the hospital, offered financial support, allowed for time off and completely taken us into their arms for comfort. Thousands of people, entire churches and groups have come together in prayer on our behalf. Letters of comfort and hope, more financial support and prayers pour in daily. My family has come to me, flying in and offering help with juicing, household chores and upkeep of the garden and yard. My mother and grandma have moved in to care for Daisy and myself…

I am physically uncomfortable, I am mentally shaken, this is a setback, but the gift of overwhelming love that comes to me daily offsets the balance. God has directed His people to lift me and ensure that I have more reason for praise than petition. I have a willing heart, I believe I am in God’s hands and I am searching for His will and His glory in this life.

Thank you for being a part of this journey, thank you for breathing life into my situation.